I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
