Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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