You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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