Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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