I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
