I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
