The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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