Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
