You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
