Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
