I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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