o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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