Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
