Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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