ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Randomize
