Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
