I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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