my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
