dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize