it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
