dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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