This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
