a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
