Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
