if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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