i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
