if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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