I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
