I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
