god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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