I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
