I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
