just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
