You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
