This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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