I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
