So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
