apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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