my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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