I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
