I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
