He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I supernannyed him into submission
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
