matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
