I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't turn off my feet"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
