what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
