I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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