Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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