there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
