Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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