I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
