We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize