He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
