I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
