the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
