I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
