so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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