and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What drink are we having for lunch?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
