Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
