Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
